skintutu

2005-10-28T18:10:00.000+08:00

http://livejournal.com/users/guacamole_tofu

2005-10-25T03:29:00.000+08:00

last night, i was on the old sofa, watching tv with my parents and brother.

my dad is asking me if i want to go to JB with him. which is after midnight. but i say no even though i won't mind the night ride.

sometimes i want to come out of my room when i know it's about time he gets home. which is usually 3 in the morning. i want to go to him and ask him, "papa, do you still love me? papa, i'm scared. papa.. papa.. why am i like this?"

but last night, i only dared to ask this.

"what if i dont pass my exams?"

he stands next to me, while i am seated and sort of side hugs me. his belly is so big. and his hand gives a quick ruffle through my hair.

"try again." - his quick reply before he turns to do other things.

when i heard that, i wanted very much to cry.. i wanted to cry and tell somebody everything.

but i don't. i make my teary eyes dry again and watch tv.

--------------

it's our 16th anniversary today. peace.

2005-10-20T17:30:00.000+08:00

Have you ever seen japanese shrivelled seaweed bloom when you pour hot water over them?

I have.

They form floating green blankets in my miso soup.

Does anybody want to do some shopping? Go to my shop because there is a sale.

And I have decided to start a livejournal. I hope you don't find it.

2005-10-18T16:05:00.000+08:00

You know what is awesome?

Cookies with strawberry cheesecake filling and icing ! Those babies are 80 calories each. Meidi-Ya is now my favourite supermarket.

I'm convinced I'm far too appreciative of good junk food.

I miss Iain. I hope his handphone battery lasts him the whole of 2 weeks so he can still call me from Tekong.

The other night I stayed over at Vicki's house. There are very few people I can sleep with on the same bed and be at ease.

I love my friends.

2005-10-17T02:48:00.000+08:00

I don't want Washington apples.

I want guacamole and tofu.

2005-10-11T02:23:00.000+08:00

When I was a younger girl and at the age when children secretly try on their mother's lipstick -- tastes like how plastic smells when you set it on fire, I remember watching my mother do her makeup.

Blue eyeshadow. Always blue.

2005-10-06T15:18:00.000+08:00

I have funny sleeping habits and the flu and its the time of the month and i lie in bed at night when everything is silent, listening to my head speed and speed. i cant stop thinking and cant stop worrying about the future. about my exams about the auditions in 4 months. about how i have gone off track. and then i think wow, which track did i go off and am i really off track if i did land on another one? okay. then i tell myself to search for the lights so i can see which track i could possibly have landed. well, i basically think so much, i even jot down and scribble my troublesome thoughts on foolscape, thus not being very eco-friendly.

take for example, yesterday. i go to bed about 6am and wake up at 11. take my med and am back in bed at 4pm, but i dont sleep because i drank so much water. i pee every 7 minutes. i finally get some sleep between 6-8pm. then i go to bed at 1am. but cannot sleep because now night is here and i am alone, there is no irritating sun and heat to lure me to sleep..

i am still awake at 5 am doing nothing, but trying to block out thoughts and focus. you know.. how sometimes when you start freaking out inside, you can't scream and your tongue feels like it is shrinking? the mind is stubborn, it is willing, it is powerful, but it is not very co-operative. so even taking two tablets, i am awake.

so at 5.30 or so, i take out my literature. shakespeare and do some revision quiz and reading. then i feel better. but still.. i dont sleep till the rest of the house wakes up. and i think.. wow.. how long has it been..

and i am up by 12. so yippee. maybe tonight wont be so bad.

and if i tell myself this flu is just an ant-bite, i'll go for ballet class tonight. no actually the real reason i am finding it more difficult to go out of my house is because..

well. i cannot tell you this part.

so we will pause here.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
LITTLE LAMB MARY
HAD A LITTLE LAME
OH IT WAS WHITE AS
SNOWWWWWWWW.
.......
.........
......
........
......
.....
(o see how the pretty snow falls)

maybe all i need to do is go to a quiet corner, spend some time with Jesus. have a good talk with him and eat some good chocolate and tofu. stretch and pull myself apart.. have a shower.. and send those wonderful signals to my brain.

bebop beep beep bebop.

has my life resorted to something so sad such as this that i am worrying so much over education and my future. meaningless. so meaningless. or perhaps not. perhaps just worrying over something like that is considered blissful simplicity or blissful whatever. but no, i dont want to fail because i can't help but think.. shit. if i fail then does that mean i am stupid? no man. i am not one who wants to know that i will fail when i have studied.

and with the tongue-shrinking-in-my-mouth and i-cant-really-breathe symptoms. its so easy for me to start talking in a way you shall not understand if i were to launch full force and unleash the storage.

james 4 v 8. draw near to God and he shall draw near to you.

honesty. complete honesty. you dont lie to your friends. you wouldn't lie to someone you want to love, try to love or already love.

conversations. hello ! hello ! byebyebye !

you know why the exams are important to me. why the auditions are important? because i want to move on. maybe it is impatience. yah. it is partly impatience. and this is a risk i took.

2005-10-06T13:44:00.000+08:00

today whatever i type here is meant to be irrelevant.

2005-09-30T01:02:00.000+08:00

This is what I used to tell people, when I find them asking too much about things they don't have to know.

I tell them, "oh. i lost my memory. really."

Now, I sometimes think that I really did lose my memory. How do I explain?

When you lose your mind, do you lose what it holds? When you gain back the control, do you gain back what was in the original state?

I get flashbacks. And that is probably how I know I have forgotten certain things, because if there is no apple there are no seeds. You get what I mean?

But then again, it's not total memory loss. If you have forgotten, then does that erase what has already happened? No, you peel away the apple skin, but it doesn't mean the apple grew skinless.

2005-09-17T17:00:00.000+08:00

I'm looking for someone to share shipping costs, so if you want to buy anything from here, please send me an email or drop me a note.

2005-09-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

I like the Backseat song by The Arcade Fire, and I like Xiu Xiu, though his lyrics are pretty warped and he is gay. No I don't hate gay people, I like the music and whether he is gay or not, that is secondary.

2005-09-12T13:39:00.000+08:00

take the quiz!

let's see how much you guys know about me.. ahaa.

2005-09-12T11:54:00.000+08:00

I turned 17 yesterday.

Am planning to shut this down.

Meanwhile, I can see a neighbour, topless and tan looking through his window and I don't know who he is looking at. But for the past 8 years I have watched him stand at that window, reappearing and disappearing, like a shadow. Sometimes so stubborn, he stands there even when I look back at him. Undisturbed. And I have gotten slightly used to him looking into my window, maybe this is not very wise. But for years he has been there and I wonder what he does the whole day. Who is he waiting for? What is he seeing?

Everytime I return to this room, which I once slept in, spent my days and months in..

He will be there. Of course it gets quite undesirable and irritating to think that somebody is watching me, but after a while.. I tend not to notice him so much.

He used to look older, it's as if as the time stretches, he grows younger.

2005-09-03T14:29:00.000+08:00

I've got a flickr account here, but think you have to sign up and add me as friend before you can view my photos.

--------------

tomorrow i will be at the zouk flea and easy from 2pm. got a stall there with nic and her friends.

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2005-09-03T14:22:00.000+08:00

slurrrp slurrp tofu and porridge and juice and milk.

hush.

so quiet. you can hear a heart-string

snap.

-------------------

a moth falls suddenly from the paper wall. it crackles like fire wood in the cold vacuum. wings ajar, a hint of a flutter. the last of its color come loose like talc and lies unstirred till --

soft padded, the infact's paw weighs upon it. the moth gives off a musky smell, oddly calming, as the little one tightens its grip and moves it close to where the cord was snipped.

the moth, it takes the form of a cacoon, only now it is a burial that births and disintegrates into a senseless cycle.

2005-09-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

"You, LORD, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." -Isaiah 26:3

NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is going to make me say that JESUS is the same as any other name. or that it is simply a name.

Away with your lies, your deceit, your evil cunning ways! I'm a child of God and I have not been given a spirit of timidity!

Why should I be afraid of satan? that rotting worm is afraid of my FATHER!

2005-08-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

I have been eating lots of eggs. About 3 egg whites and 1 egg yolk, so that shouldn't be too high in cholestrol, right?

There isn't much I want to blog about. But I thought I should update this because the previous post might be too disgusting to take first place.

Read Transmission by some Kunzru guy. Not very interesting actually. Then I finally completed the last 4 of the Narnia books and now I'm re-reading (never completed it 3 years back) -- the unabridged journals of Sylvia Plath.

Okay, what else can you know...

Oh yah.. the lip balms are now in the WMUM shop.

2005-08-26T00:56:00.000+08:00

Ever since having the spacers in my mouth, I've had this itch to floss.

I am supposed to take them out today, but the clinic is out of molar bands, so it means they stay in my mouth till next week. Woe!!

Can you imagine the disappointment and my longing to floss? Maybe I sound ridiculous, but wait till you hear this..

While I was flossing my front teeth, I kind of accidentally-on-purpose flossed the back teeth. To my amazement and happinase!!! I find out that I can actually floss my molars by carefully sliding it around the spacers.

Oh.. but the shit that came out. Was literally shit! Dark brown and so pungent. Stuck in there for a week.

I thank you God for little things like this. The dentist and others have said it was not possible, but look here! It is possible. maybe once or twice the spacers almost came out, but all i have to do is wedge it back in with the floss.

If I didn't find out it was possible, can you imagine my dentist's reaction when she takes them out next week? She will think I farted shit in the chair, or through my mouth!!

2005-08-23T15:32:00.000+08:00

like a tilting goblet. a vial of nectar. tipped over.

is it set in stone?

the axis of all fleeting minds and accidents.

O, you don't know what i'm talking about.

2005-08-22T22:38:00.000+08:00

it is hard to describe how i feel now. mixed feelings.

and i could hate right now like i have never hated before. i have learnt to hate even as i learn to break.

in the end i know i will only stab myself and never anybody else. clean sharp lines that will burst the pressure sealed bag.

as if i have been chewing on capsules of bitter defence and ultimately slow proggressive self-destruction.

then beside my anger, is a well blazing beneath ashes.

we are all pretentious in a way.

i need you next to me, let me know that you know. and we can save the talking for later.

2005-08-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

The only things I can eat today are

- porridge
- kfc whipped potato
- cottage cheese and spinach sauce
- chocolate

and some chicken and fishballs, that give me tolerable pain.

With the blue rubber spacers in between my teeth, I've converted to soft food dieting. And I had some beer just now, which halfway through dinner, went straight up to my head in quite a sudden. Guess it's best not to drink when you have nothing solid in your stomach.

The spacers are driving me nuts. It hurts like a punch on each tooth each time I try to eat. And when I'm not eating, it is a constant.. pressure wedge in between the molars. The discomfort is.. really testing my patience.

But I can see my teeth moving apart slightly and go "wow" because what a difference small pieces of rubber can make.

Maybe I'll give in and take pain killers. Trying not to because I want to be macho. HA. actually no, I'm just trying to take them unless I really need to.

2005-08-18T01:44:00.000+08:00

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

- 1 Corinthians 13:12.

2005-08-18T00:44:00.000+08:00

Extracted two teeth. It didn't hurt accept for the injections.

I almost laughed when the dentist was wrestling to get my upper tooth out and her assistant had to hold my head down. The whole scenerio was quite hilarious. What to do, I have strong teeth and roots, okay! Quite sad to see healthy teeth go and I got light-headed because the bleeding lasted for 2 hours. Gross to taste your own blood.

Got spacers in between my molars now, one of them fell out though and I have this urge to go floss and pick at them because it feels like food stuck in my teeth.

Next week I go for another round of extractions and the brackets go on.

2005-08-17T13:31:00.000+08:00

I noted a yellow-tipped green leaf spiralling down on our right, as we crossed the road to eat Teochew porridge and when I told him, "see.. got leaf fall down when we cross the road.. so nice."

and he laughs. I think partly at how silly I sound.

Silly times are good times.

2005-08-17T13:15:00.000+08:00

I miss Vicki.

I want to tell her, "lets be best friends! forever friends!", just like how I used to say it, more often when we were in Primary school.

She's an amazing person. Beautiful.

If there's any problem, it would be how I struggle to tell the other person I love them. But I hope she knows what I mean even when I don't say.

2005-08-16T21:05:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow I am going to have my teeth extracted.

Have you ever felt like a walking cavity?

2005-08-16T19:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I went to Regent Secondary School to take my O level English Oral exams. The night before I was really getting worried because I haven't had any practice and so I tried to record myself reading out loud and listening to your self talk is quite horrible. I don't sound like myself!

I want to thank Shannon, although I don't know if she will ever read this. She called me on Sunday night just to give me advice and get me more prepared.

Monday, I was there about 1.30pm and the day was hot like hotness.

I was alone and trying not to be too nervous, so I took Iain's ipod out and listened to Elliot and The Album Leaf. But only for a while, because I don't know if they will shoot me down for using an ipod in a school.

At 2pm I went up to the hall and waited and waited. And by the starting time, we were all still waiting.. there were a couple of private candidates who came really late, about 20 minutes after starting time. Is that allowed?

All the private candidates looked really bored and calm. Like they have done this before. Well, I assume most have. But this being my first time, I WAS FREAKING NERVOUS.. and then I was really bored and warm and couldn't sit still.

But I guess having to wait from 1.30pm to 3.15pm for my turn is not a bad thing, I got lots of time to pray and at one point, I tried to picture myself in a BEAUTIFUL GARDEN. I even said it in my head.. "i'm.. in a beaaauuutifuuul garden...hmmmm."

A few observations. There were two teachers who were missing body parts. One had no forearm, another one had a missing finger.

The oral exams also had something to do with the circus, gymnastics and sports. Good! I do ballet so at least there is some background knowledge and I can talk about body contortion, boys doing ballet..

During the exam itself, I think I did okay and even began to enjoy having two people listen to me talk without shutting me up. HAHAHAHAH! But I struggled very much to slow down my pace, I tend to talk too fast, especially when I'm quite nervous.

I did however, surprise myself with the things I said. some quite rubbish.. =)

".. I wouldn't have any animals (in the circus) because I don't believe it is right. From all the PAST REPORTS AND ARTICLES, that I have read.. (what articles??!?!?!), animal cruelty happens very often in the circus environment. especially on tour.."

".. the activity also helps the students to come out of their COMFORT ZONES and prepares them to work with people they are unfamiliar with.. "

"there are situations in life, when we find ourselves having to walk on a tight-rope.. no man is an island on its own, we need our leaders, team mates, friends.. "

all in all, I said alot of things. At one point, the teachers kind of leaned back in their chairs and looked at me with this expression, that either means i'm really interesting and they are impressed, or that i am talking so much shit, it makes them constipated.

i hope it was sincere when one of them said "good". i don't know because maybe it is the standard thing for them to say.

one down. shouldn't worry about what is already over.
many more to go. okay.. back to the books.

2005-08-13T02:00:00.000+08:00

let the dead bury their own dead

will you still love me in famine
as when love began at the harvest
or would you gain the whole world
son, I love you at your darkest
but what good is the whole world
when I promise no tomorrow
I only promise your tomorrows
will never take you past my palm

love, what is love without trust
at my word would you bring your isaac

son, I loved you at your darkest

- As Cities Burn / Wake dead man, wake.

2005-08-07T14:26:00.000+08:00

I can't tell what kind of life I've led today.
All that's known is what's debatable again.

- Mates of state, Ha Ha.

2005-08-05T00:40:00.000+08:00

WAH.

i'm on the net, researching on Trotsky and History and so many links come up. I should have done this long ago. Because in comparison to the O level text book, this is so much more useful and interesting!

well, of course that is in comparison to the standard text. but if i were to compare studying for History to lets say, ballet.. well.. that's a different story. i will gladly sit in a split for 3 hours, then cram my head with all the "isms" and theories and names i cannot pronounce. i mean, how do you pronouce Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov???? Lucky thing they don't test us verbally during the exams. Or else i sure say something that might sound vulgar.

almost two months of no ballet. i'm supposed to start this week, but my ballet shoes are dead, so i have to think of a way to save money for a new pair. can't go to class without them.

okay. back to studying! don't say i'm not trying. i don't want to fail!

how am i going to get my act together within 3 months..

2005-08-04T02:19:00.000+08:00

blogger just let me down! it deleted my entry.

eat mud blogger!

2005-08-02T14:32:00.000+08:00

enjoii !

updated the site, please go see.

2005-07-29T14:07:00.000+08:00

have you ever been so tired you cant fall asleep? last night. i laid in bed and had so many random songs and thoughts, loud loud loud in my head. and i was giddy, like my heart was shifting in its cage.

so this morning i woke up a few times and by ten i was still in bed because i could feel a weight in my center, folding me up. curl.

for too many months, i have been sleeping around 4 am. trying to adjust my sleeping patterns by waking up a little earlier and feeling more dehydrated. but even if i wake up at 8 or 9am, i still have trouble falling asleep at night.

i put my head on the pillow and i feel like i'm floating, motion sickness style. and my body becomes heavy, unreal.

i'm not the super human kind who can survive on little sleep. no man !!

2005-07-29T01:02:00.000+08:00

God is much nearer than we think. Or can ever know.

Today from where I sat, I looked up and saw the GIVE banner on top the stage.

He says,
it is time for you to give. give again.

and i say,
what can i give? what do i have?

O, but he reminds me. That even with the tiniest or nothing, i am to worship him, love him.

When there is less of me, there is more of him.

I thought much today and prayed. I am beginning to feel this twinge in me, that makes me want to cry for people. And it feels strange, although I think maybe it is not so bad. I ask God why.

Compassion. I have lacked the heart of compassion. And if I always want to confine love and tailor it according to my own measure, there will be death. there will be starvation.

Jesus, how do you do it?

Can you believe it, some of us know what love is, yet we can choose to make believe it is something else. because of a stronghold, because of our pasts. because of what we have chosen. well, there is a greater force at work. a battle being fought, a victory already won.

2005-07-25T14:00:00.000+08:00

actually, tootsie rolls are not very yummy. they taste too much like candy, not real chocolate!

I also don't have anything much to blog about. So I will fill this blog up with random things so nobody will think I have died. Sorry, I don't die so easily even when I want to.

Anyway !

SonicFest 2005 is just around the corner. I will dance on Saturday, at the village, with a team of dancers, painters and percussionists. Come on down to Fort Canning and find out for yourself what it's all about. Plus.. it's a 3 day even full of music, art, dance and love.

2005-07-25T13:48:00.000+08:00

God bless us on our 13th.

<3

2005-07-20T14:32:00.000+08:00

the waves chop you up in different fashions.

2005-07-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

my mother's american boss just came back from the states with a bunchful of tootsie rolls. mom thinks he is crazy because apparently, he brought back ALOT of the tootsie rolls in different flavors. and she thinks they are too sweet.

i, on the other hand. don't mind. so tmr, she's going to bring home more for me.

tootsie tootsie. say you love me.

anyhows, i sell the lip balm.

you will not believe the amount of chocolate i eat.

2005-07-10T22:03:00.000+08:00

sometimes God doesn't heal us.
but His grace is sufficient.

even youths grow tired and weary.
but the Lord, He never tires.

------------------------

be right back.

2005-07-09T14:14:00.000+08:00

"A contrary man spreads conflict, and a gossip separates friends." - Proverbs 16:28

2005-06-29T14:00:00.000+08:00

the people who are most in denial, are not the ones who weep and wail and cry and grieve. there is nothing wrong in being honest. if you are not okay, you are not okay. it is too bad this world has people who know too little, but think they are wise enough. they lack sensitivity, they lack wisdom. even if their intentions are good, i think something in their heart is not.

2005-06-29T13:50:00.000+08:00

and so it is..

2005-06-27T23:27:00.000+08:00

they made
a love child encased in bronze, a goddess delight.
whose eyes are beams of rust, confused for hope.

untouchables in her presence, they are half submerged in the flood
with tongues hanging out like electric eels, waiting for her hands
to bring barley medicine.

instead, she wraps her fingers around their necks and eats from
their mouths. sick from madness,
they sacrifice their own seeds.

three seasons of swelling and when the cord breaks,
the birth is lost, the offsprings of lust are left
to starve on her altar. the trade for mercy ends
in a meaningless bargain.

2005-06-24T01:24:00.000+08:00

God!!!!!!!!! What is this that is happening!!!!!!!

what happens when you have to choose between what is wrong..... and what is wrong. yes. two wrongs.

i hate lying i hate dishonesty and each time i lie.. each time i cover up.. i feel so... bad, disgusted, wrong, guilty. God, I hope you forgive me.. and that you will understand..

i thank you.. i thank you that i can still be so honest with you.. even if i were to vomit all over your shirt (that's if you wear shirts).. i know jesus will be the kind of man who will clean me up and still smile, drive me home and tuck me into bed and not have wrong motives. he'll listen to me as i tell him even the most shameful things.. he'll listen even when i don't make sense to myself.

okay God, lets have a conversation. lets have a talk.

2005-06-24T01:21:00.000+08:00

Naked I come and naked I shall depart.

Sometimes we want certain things and changes.. and we gather promises, but they break one after the other. too many times.

What is it to no longer want? In psalms it says.. THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT.

i shall not need anything else, he is my shepherd..
teach me not to worry. to be contend.

and let everything go into your hands.. let myself go into your hands.

2005-06-21T14:49:00.000+08:00

thinking of bringing in the Emily strange liquid eyeliner and lip gloss. if you are interested, please email me.

2005-06-20T23:24:00.000+08:00

Cursive - The Casualty.

The night has fallen down the staircase
And I, for one, have felt its bruises
Equilbrium; inebriated
Our social graces have been displaced

As we sink deeper into the drink
The volume increases....
Night time resurrects fault lines
Silent wars -- rumble somewhere below
The surfaces verses...
The surfaces verses...
The shoe is dropped, lungs explode
Shards of words of a shattered voice
And there's still a hole where the phone was thrown

The moon is rising, a revolution
I close my eyes and the room is spinning
You're screaming:

"Sweetie, the moon has raped me --
It has left its seeds like a tomb inside me
So I must learn to abort these feelings
This romance is bleeding..."

Night time triggers the land mines
Bedroom wounds -- lovers like brigadiers
Marching two by two...
Marching two by two...
A soldier's down
Flood gates burst
I've said some things I wish you'd never heard
Like, "There's still a hole where the phone was thrown."
It's growing as we speak
And it's sucking us both in
A vacuum of sorrow to swallow up the day

2005-06-20T22:56:00.000+08:00

disappointment.

seems so

endless..

just sometimes, i wish.. i wish things were different.
what else do i say?

few will understand.

2005-06-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

What's the point of being nice, if it means having people walk over your head? Wait. Even if you become less polite and care less, they still walk over you.

thats the way it is.

Now I feel stupid for being naive, for believing things based on the superficial. It's like a facade.. a fucking facade.

I miss the times when I can go out alone and feel okay. See, once you get into something, its hard to choose the other way.

Sometimes, I wished I had found out more before I got into it. Once, I had that belief, that God was really going to take care of this for me. But then, that's not how it really works out. I'm sure he will still take care of it, yet my mind is always racing with faith, trying to out run it. Tired.

Could I be wrong? Of course I hate to admit, that somewhere along the lines I screwed up too. But yah, that's what i did, i possess a kind of cruelty.

Have I been living with lies? In make believe. Just how strong are we if we are put through fire?

God, deliever us from evil. Bring us not to the test.

It doesn't make me feel any good to know that if we were walking through higher tides, that probably, I'll see sediments, clouds stirring in the water.

Hard times, Jesus knows my heart.

2005-06-17T13:54:00.000+08:00

As a kid, I got day-mares watching Alice in Wonderland on TV. I hated that show.
I really didn't like the way the creatures and characters looked.

But I picked up the book, by Lewis Carroll the other day. And I quite like it now. Maybe because I don't possess that sort of imagination or mind of a child anymore.

Quite a waste actually. How my brain must have deteriorated in some ways, over time.

2005-06-17T12:39:00.000+08:00

please click here

and also here.

2005-06-16T13:05:00.000+08:00

i love you. i love you. i love you too.

those words. words that we constantly repeat. yet, what comes from the mouth should come from the heart too. hearing it isnt enough. if it is then i can create my own hot-line and everyone can call me for 20 cents a minute and i'll repeat those things over and over again.

love is not lip-servicing.

2005-06-15T14:18:00.000+08:00

Recap of Tuesday and some bits of Wednesday:

5am: start of intensive die-rear. many punches to my tummy region.

noon: ate teochew porridge. iain says pork has anti-cancerous properties. (i dont belive!!) i am part teochew, you know?

6.30-9++: ballet class. maybe this is how labour pains and giving birth feels like.
i was not the only one who thought that way.

1am ++: cannot sleep because of the adrenaline still in my system.

2am ++: good morning! it is wednesday. (when can i fall asleep....) my brain is dancing.. stil dancing.. still thinking of dance.. choreography.

(somewhere in between i do sleep)

9.30am: wake up. body hurts. drag myself to pee. scream out of my window, someone's dog wont shut up. go back to bed. dream of robbers with long satay sticks and wooden poles. chasing me. then a bible passage and 4 numbers (not meant for lottery)

11.30am: yay! i wake up. no more scary men. Jesus is my hero!!

11.45am: still in bed. body still sleeping. ache ache ache.

2005-06-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

I am so blessed for nights when I am tired and fall asleep so easily, even when I get up a few times to pee, I still fall asleep easy. Those kind of nights are rare for me. Usually, it is like a fight, a blank fight.

Last night, it was a good night's sleep, except for the part when I dream..

I dreamt of many paths, like a crossroad. I was hyperventilating really badly. I couldnt breathe at all or say anything. I had driven away somebody close to me and when I tried to call back to him, to tell him actually I love him and don't want him to go, he just walked past me on another path, while I helplessly, painfully wept and suffocated. he too, was downcast.. i could see him with his head hung low.

There was someone else with me when I paniked, when I was collapsing, but then everything else disappeared and I am still suffocating, unable to cry out.

It was horrible. Then I woke up for a few seconds and fall asleep again.

I dream the same dream. Of trying and then getting rejected, and trying again before we reconcile.

Phew. At least got happy ending.

But during the daytime, I think I got kind of affected even though I was not thinking about the dream. Became somewhat insecure and feared stupid silly thoughts like what if he dies.. or i die.. or someone close dies.. or leaves me..

there are quite a few times i dream of the person i love leaving me. and each time, it leaves this mark behind to give me restlessness even when i try to ditch it. no, i dont think its a prediction. god forbid and i reject those dreams. but i think it shows something. could be a link to my past or something.

Maybe one reason why I dreamt of that was because the night before and lately, I have been on the casual topic of death with my mom, and asking her if she will miss me when i move out, and missing some people who were once closer and thinking of how people come and go out of each other's lives.

Sometimes, intimacy does more that bind two together. I'm not talking about physical contact alone, but in general. there's a reason why there are boundaries and limits. looking back, it is bitter-sweet. i am not regretting, not sorry really, but kind of hard to put it into words. i just wished we had better control over situations, but i also know everything happens for a reason. we learn.

Evening time, I think maybe God nudged me subtlely and then I remember, about surrendering and about how everything is not really mine to begin with. One question to me,

"DO YOU FEAR LOSING THEM MORE THAN LOSING ME(GOD)?"

2005-06-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

anybody want to watch Edward Scissorhands with me?

let me use your teevee please!

i am teevee starved because the one at home went *BBOOOM* and yeah, byebye Toshiba.

2005-06-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

there's no need for me to be too personal here.

goodnight.

2005-06-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

As I type this, I'm coming to the realisation that I am not done with therapy.

I don't see my doctors anymore and sometimes I am very tempted to throw myself back into what was past, in hope that it might answer my questions.

But there must be another way and i am going to ask for the courage to take that step.

2005-06-07T15:12:00.000+08:00

the battle has begun.

alright. now that sounds cheesy.

woke up this morning and found it especially difficult to get out of beat. heaviness in my heart, all i want is to sleep. and then i dream.. things i rather not see.

tonight is ballet class. like how stef puts it, if i don't go i am going to become rusty.

i'm quite sure tonight, my teacher will sure see my butt, intestines, hips all sticking out of alignment. and i am going to have a hard time doing even the simplest because i am back to becoming a tree trunk.

*Crack*

*cccrraccckk*

my life is becoming.. very unproductive.

DREY!!! GET YOUR ASS MOVING!!!!!!! GO AND DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!

ok folks. byebye. i am off to read my social studies text.
4months to the O levels. I think I am secretly freaking out.

2005-06-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

ARG! my stupid molar hurts! and i have to wait till june 16th before i am scheduled for my root canal treatment, which i am sure is going to hurt.

lucky for me, my threshold quite good, but when it comes for nerves in the jaw and teeth.. man.. it's like having a thousand needles touching my bones.

plus, the anesthetic isn't going to do much help. they say numbing it will take the pain away.. i don't believe leh.

because when i got stiches on my arm, can feel.. and when i went to take out a ganglion in my hand, i can feel it even after two jabs.

argh!! i am scared. each time i go to the dentist, i want to pee in my pants. okay, maybe not so bad, but i am really scared! especially when the dentist happens to be an old man with shaky hands or someone who resembles a mad man on too much flu medicine.

sitting on the chair with the lights glaring at me. my mouth open in the most unglam manner and a drill in my mouth....

*HELP!!!!!!!*

dont know why i am so afraid now, because last time i loved visiting the dentist. looks like things are different now.

2005-06-06T13:22:00.000+08:00

Who knows?

Even now, it seems hard to believe that I could really be doing, living out something I didn't exactly dare to wish at one point. But now look forward to and dare to think about. Honestly, I do not have enough faith in myself. I don't know how people can tell me I will make a good dancer, but I am encouraged by them and really encouraged by God's provision. (It's never too late to start!)

Yet, am I willing to surrender all of that?

Yesterday in church, we sang this,

"you give and take away
you give and take away
but still i will say
blessed be your name."

(sorry if i'm not being accurate)

I stuggle with this, for a long time. The thought that God can give us somethings and then take them away in an instant. Seems so cruel, like some fake joy-ride to kill our senses and ache our hearts. I became so afraid, I remember begging God not to take away what I love, what i need, what i hold, I would cry very badly. And then, there are also times I blocked out the blessings of God, believing that if I won't stand to lose out if I don't gain anything in the first place.

But surely, it is for better reasons. For our protection, our own good. Many things we cannot understand, cannot know God's ways if we don't surrender everything to him.

And we see that, He doesn't really strip us off and leave us naked forever. Sometimes it is not what we think.. there is more to it. He will always, always make a way.

Must re-align myself.

What matters in the end? It all boils down to the big person. he does all of these with a bigger picture in mind. We should take pride in ourselves, but most of all, we must be proud that it is God who is the one in control of every single thing.

2005-06-03T13:47:00.000+08:00

There is a 85% chance I will be moving out after my O levels. Joining my po-po at her new place.

God is laying out before me, glimpses of the future, opportunities and hopes. I'm so grateful, how he guides me, tenderly.

First he gave me a chance to see what it was like to audition for dance school and to talk to the lecturers, then he provided a vacant room for me in a relatives flat, which just so happens to be opposite the new and future dance school location.

Next, he probably heard me whine about how expensive the loft beds are at Ikea and saw me afraid when I went up the narrow ladder and didn't dare come down. Iain had to carry me!! So I thought I would have to forget about loft beds and I'm thinking.. maybe I can only afford a mattress..

but no.. I surf yahoo auctions and there is this nice english lady who is moving to america and she has a loft bed which she bought in the nighties and nobody really slept on it. it was bought from the Ikea in Switzerland and you can't find this model in Singapore. She wants to sell it for $100.

I contact her, but get a really short reply that it was sold.

:( Oh. No bed. *guaguagua*

but a few days later, she messages me and tells me it is back on sale for $50!!

:)

Me and Iain go to upper thomson and we bare the blazing sun and walk up the steep road and into her house to view the bed.

There it is!!
My loft bed with a slope ladder!! Not narrow and not so high like the ones they sell in Ikea. Not so scary!!

Initially, I had to settle for my own transportation, but this english lady calls me up and says her friend can deliver it to my po-po's house in his family sized car.

I wonder what these expats do, because the guy doesn't seem to have to work, apparently he is free until 1pm, when he has to pick his kids up from school..

anyway, he is a very funny looking man and helpful.

Everything was free, except for the bed frame. It even came with a mattress, that fits the Loft bed's measurements (its a little longer than usual).
I don't know if I will want to sleep on somebody else's mattress though. It's quite old!

After shifting the bed and mattress upstairs, my po-po then takes out money and gives it to me. She doesn't say what it is for and in her usual way she wont take it back. When I counted, it was more than enough to cover the cost of the bed..

Quite stunned.

My point is I think this is God's way of telling me to stop worrying and to believe that he will provide for me. What I have learnt is that in most situations, it requires us to take a step back, but most of us just want to move forward, forward, forward. And sometimes, it may seem like why has God opened the door and closed it before I can enter?

Maybe it is because God has a better deal and is preparing what lies behind the door and preparing you before he lets you pass through it. He will reopen doors and make new beginnings.

I didnt' really think this loft bed thing is much worth to share, but reflecting.. I really have to say. How can things be so good? Free somemore?!

We think the little things don't really matter, but He cares even for the little.

2005-06-03T12:58:00.000+08:00

FLEA MARKET THIS SATURDAY

time: 5-11pm
at: Tanglin Mall

please come visit my stall. :)

2005-06-03T12:51:00.000+08:00

dear drey-drey.

please remember to

-do your QT
-pray
-stop being a terror to others
-study
-go for ballet class
-read more books
-stretch and practise dance techniques at home
-find your coordination in the water
-learn how to run on a threadmil

xoxo,
your inner reminder -
lingailingling.

2005-05-31T14:50:00.000+08:00

Post Sonic Camp:

Where should I begin?
I'm just thankful and learning. Learning to see and to be appreciative. Learning to receive as well as give.

Will write more when there is time.

------------------

Another irrelavant piece of infomation for you:

Last night, I ate a pig's tongue !

I didn't know what it was at first. =
But, but.. but.. I quite like it !

2005-05-26T22:03:00.000+08:00

it would be nice to

go to the pool and not feel cold, with the sun not so bright. do some water ballet, wade in the water and then, go to the furo bath.

also, it would be nice to

have a tub of lychee ice-cream and no itchy skin. no period woes and ingrown hair.

*****************

it would be super nice to be in a house without people who raise their voice and pollute the air.

and if i can get braces.. and stop thinking off food at this moment.

*****************

i miss you i miss you.

*****************

being random. being bored. stupid mosquito bite me, die bitch die!

*****************

are you happy tonight?

*****************

God, why did you make bedbugs, dust mites and mosquitoes?

*****************

give me ice-cream.

2005-05-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

I have a Tanglin Mall flea market lot/stall on the 4th of June, Saturday. If you are interested in selling your 2nd hand items and would like to be part of this. Please sms me or email me.

2005-05-21T02:51:00.000+08:00

It takes me 2 days (over the period of a week) to read a "modern" text about 2 young boys, suicide, evil, power, lust, jealousy, nature, dominance..etc.. even though the book is not very well written and I do not like it.

However, it takes me an untracable amount of days (over the period of 11 months and counting) to read Twelfth Night by Shakespeare.

And this could mean something.

=/

On the other hand, I must come up with a better system of payment for the lipbalm idea.

And find somebody who would like to buy my 1 day old, but quite broken in, demi-pointe shoes. After considerable bashing, stomping, chair banging, jumping on the box, squashing it, tearing out the insole and replacing it.. it is still TOO SMALL for me. $40!! And I waited so long for this! But too small!!

Yes, it is partly my fault for rushing. Not checking and taking into considerable the expansion of my foot in plies, bents,...

ARG!!! Now I really feel like bashing up the shoe more..

Why am I always so careless? Or am I? When I try it on at the shop it seems okay, but when I go home, my feet becomes real and goes "HAHAHA! IM BIGGER ACTUALLY! NANANAA!"

no money already. now i only have one leotard, which is shrinking and one pair of tights. the rest have torn. i had 4 pairs of ballet flats, of which 1 is too small and given away, the rest are either spoilt or too big.

Sometimes I think.. if I don't take ballet, then every month I can do those thing most girls like to do. Go shopping, go watch movie.. maybe buy something from ZARA.. have my hair cut instead of cutting it myself..

But! cannot la. I LOVE TO DANCE! and i take it back, ballet is not chicken feet. try standing on your toes. tell me they don't ache.

2005-05-15T01:15:00.000+08:00

mirrors are liars.

2005-05-14T15:51:00.000+08:00

Last night, I couldn't sleep till 4 something in the morning. Each time I got out of bed, my arms hang by my sides like legs. (I'm trying to say that they felt really heavy.)

Took out my QT material and the bible. I think I am rather slow, each time I ask God to speak to me.. He has been saying the same thing, just I either catch-no-balls or am too slow or forgetful or something else. Or.. need him to tell me more.

So maybe for a really long time, he has been telling me the same things.

2005-05-14T15:31:00.000+08:00

Thank you to those who have bought lip balms from me.

Those who want lip balms please send me your orders. I intend to ship in the second batch in June.

This is also a special note. Please DO NOT EAT the lip balms. They are meant for your lips, and not for consumption. :)

2005-05-12T17:38:00.000+08:00

Am now officially sick.

Was up all night thinking and researching for dance. Should have just gone to bed earlier. But what to do, I'm the kind who tends to work too much if I ever start. Last night, however, wasn't very productive because of the groggy effects of bacteria battle inside.

Went to bed, popped 3 panadol cold and soaked up lots of toilet paper with my runny nose. Then, a very amazing thing happened! I closed my eyes and felt so heavy, not oppresively though. then i fell asleep! seemed so easy!

Got out of bed around 2plus with my lymph nodes swollen and my eyes itching slightly. But I'm not dead yet, so I take a bus to the post office and mail out the lip balms, then I go buy myself food and I walk home.. one and half LRT stations.

Maybe I am just a little obsessed with keeping my weight down. Hardly been excercising, so I might as well take the chance to do some walking.

Speaking of excercising, I have developed a slight phobia of putting my head underwater, and therefore have not been swimming since last year. I worry that my lungs will get infected again or my skin will get irritated by the chlorine, or my hair will drop more.
But then again, I do miss swimming and the wonders of water ballet. So hello swimming pool! Await my return!

I think I see the pattern, when I start to get itchy on my body and my skin becomes drier, thats the warning that I'm going to fall sick.

**am noticing that this blog entry is exceptionally giddy-dumb. be assured, such things are rare and may be due to the fact that writer is hungry and not well.**

2005-05-12T02:11:00.000+08:00

suddenly, it is cold. the rain is here.

what have you to say to me? open my ears. open my ears. let me hear. don't want to turn my back on you. not anymore.

i know you are here. i know you are here.

2005-05-12T02:07:00.000+08:00

so how do we show more of you and less of us in a dance? please lord, lend us a vision, give us a heart like yours. like yours.

2005-05-11T12:35:00.000+08:00

Received the parcel of lip balms yesterday.
Very exciting indeed! Waited 10 days for this parcel.

Everything came packed in orange paper and pink plastic wrap, in a cardboard box, which was sealed in a plastic envelope. Could smell the chocolate, berries and peanut butter before I opened it to check the stock.

Yum! and i got my own burt's beeswax lip balm and turtle-boy has his Reese's peanut butter, which is very very very tasty. :) So I will say it makes good use if you are in a relationship.
***Ok. nevermind. censored.***

I only have some additional stock, so tempted to use them, but cannot! because i have too many balms already.

I really do sound like i'm shamelessly advertising for the store. Oh well. I don't really make alot of money from this, but it is all for fun and love. I like the experience. it really feels like i'm a small kid selling lemonade for pocket money.

<3

2005-05-11T02:14:00.000+08:00

somehow, feels really uncomfortable to know that whatever i do may be watched, evaluated, discussed. behind my back and it's supposed to be right?

i mean.. i wont stop you from talking. but it's just not very comfortable and yes, everything is subjective. not going to go into a debate about things. just putting across how i feel.

it happens in schools, in homes, in churches.. in social groups..

if i knew before i "entered" a certain group, that i would have a bunch of people constantly.. needing to report or be reported about me, then maybe i would just steer clear.

but it's quite different once you have been around, you can't just put it that way. take it so simply and walk away. unless..

well, then again.. it really depends how we look at it, don't we? we can go on reasoning this whole thing out, and we can make up a whole load of explaination. it's the power of persuation, that wins. it's a choice.

like how we argue and write in our exam papers.. as long as you back up yr view, yr opinion, and if the marker is not a biased ass, then you probably get yr points. and then.. this leads me to ask.. who said the marker was correct? i mean.. what is right to one, may be wrong to another.

you see my point here?

--------------

nevermind, that's too heavy a subject at this hour.

should sleep, but i am hungry and still awake from ballet.

we all know, not all we see.. on this blog, in appearance, is everything. right? so please.. do not take what i put on this blog as the very reflection or status of how i am doing.

goonight lovelies. tis' a lovely weather to go lie in bed.

2005-05-09T18:58:00.000+08:00

loneliness, it doesn't go away when you put it in a crowd. it only becomes larger, the emphasis only stronger. pressing down on you, like the heel of a foot against a tight sore thumb.

this is why some of us choose to be alone.

to be alone or to be lonely, are quite separate things.

2005-05-08T12:48:00.000+08:00

The rain is getting to me. I ache from the weather. But I love it. I love it when it rains.

-------------

JESUS LOVES ME,
this i know.
For the bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
They are weak, but he is strong.
Yes.
JESUS LOVES ME.
yes.
JESUS LOVES ME.
yes.
JESUS LOVES ME,
for the bible tells me so.

2005-05-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

FOR SALE.

1) Levi's 556 (size 26) jeans.

That's my lovely jeans, my favourite because it is straight cut, hipster and my first levi's. i wear it all the time. but it is getting too big for me now.

Am actually selling away other things too. too many things that don't fit proper, so tell me if you are looking for anything in particular. i'll be more than glad to entertain.

2) Lea straight cut jeans.
3) benetton black denim skirt.
4) others.

2005-05-06T18:44:00.000+08:00

Today, we went to Johor Bahru. :)

Everything was great, except for one part when we were caught in light rain and a sudden heavy mood, raised tones, dirty puddles and slippery words. But even that won't spoil the day!

Did just a little shopping and ate alot of rojak. I like rojaks with stinky prawn paste and chunks of unripe mango.

The chicken we ate was portugese. It that tasted like half-boiled eggs. I don't really like chicken or half-boiled eggs, but this is really good stuff!
I think they are from Macau.

Last time, the only thing that was possibly keeping me from becoming vegetarian, is fish. Now.. there are more reasons to not be vegetarian.
1- Fish.
2- Portugese chicken.
3- Stinky prawn paste.

A lovely day trip with a lovely boy. <3 <3 <3
I bought my instax camera along, but couldn't find the film in the mall, if not I will take lots of snaps of two happy turtles in grey weather.

2005-05-04T00:36:00.000+08:00

2005-05-04T00:04:00.000+08:00

My mother says I don't eat enough meat, thats why I ache so much.

2005-05-02T14:36:00.000+08:00

are my fonts too small? please leave a comment.. let me know if they hurt yr eyes or something..

2005-04-28T02:15:00.000+08:00

Even if tonight I'm straining too hard to speak, I hope it'll get through to you. I love you and when you wake up, it's the same. I love you still.

2005-04-28T01:56:00.000+08:00

Wish I knew who are the people who read this blog. Who is this annonymous, leaving me comments and emails? I think there is more than one. But maybe I don't have to know everybody. Or maybe, you will tell me, I don't think I mind knowing.

---------------------
I check my almost non-existent myspace.com account and there's a message from somebody random telling me this is a song by Anberlin and to go listen to the song.

It's quite strange finding this out at such a time. But anyways, thank you random person.

God, you sure have your ways.

-----------------------------------
Maybe tonight we'll get back together
sound the alarms, break all the levers
These streets are ours
Our anthem rings
You'd know the truth
if these walls could sing
Amateur youth sling down the signs
Gather the masses, friends of mine
I've got your back if you've got my hand
This isn't over it just began.

If this isn't love
this is the closest I've ever been
Do you think we have a chance tonight?
as streetlights sing on Audrey's song.

Remind your parents we're tomorrow
Lead with morals and we'll follow
When they wake up they'll see
that youth fades
and glory days decieve
What are you wating for? let's move on this
time is of essence, like your kiss
So say you're in with cards down
and guns drawn, this is it.

If this isn't love
this is the closest i've ever been
Do you think we have a chance tonight?
as streetlights sing on Audrey's song.

And now it all stops at this
We could take it all if only we would risk
You can be what you can concieve
Red letters kill your disbelief
We all make mistakes sometimes
We all fail but we stand tonight
Look past, learn, and move on
We're all here, you're not the only one.

If this isn't love
this is the closest I've ever been
Do you think we have a chance tonight?
as streetlights sing on Audrey's song.

- Audrey, start the revolution! by Anberlin.

2005-04-26T16:44:00.000+08:00

All feathery softness within the girl, descends into a cloud. Of soda pop and incense.

Cascading blue green grass, sprouting from her fair head. A face with red lips, a dribble that cuts through pale eyes. Dark pupils see. Nothing far ahead is ever sleeping.

Look through her shirt. Wishes are burnt and ashes are stored. In the hinges of chest bones, in the ledge above her soul.

Sprawled out on chewed vinyl and sponge. One leg bent to the northern east. Her foot becomes the telephone. Pretend it rings, pretend you are talking to her. Her tone is masculine, and she is you. Like you are her.

Some midnights after. When grass turns to hay and oral fluids turn to froth. Her tail-bone sinks, through snow skin. Pigeon bones are too weightless, resisting a marching dialogue.

She coughs out krispee, flakes and frosties. Organic blades etched into the corners of her mouth. Stretching her smile wide for the static daytime. That blooms from her navel to cement the space, guarding a-round her tweaking organ.

2005-04-25T00:51:00.000+08:00

Brothers dust away the fallen eye-lashes of their sister.

2005-04-21T13:50:00.000+08:00

Welcome to my shoppe.

If you like what you see, send me an email.

2005-04-19T14:48:00.000+08:00

Cold lotus root in dry soup.

2005-04-19T01:19:00.000+08:00

Till now, I don't quite know if I do feel my age.

2005-04-18T01:22:00.000+08:00

winter legs give me heart attacks so take it off with laser, so it never comes back. so we can pretend it's natural.
- When they really get to know you, they will run by Pedro the Lion.

2005-04-12T14:17:00.000+08:00

sunday i met up with my greatest nightmare. and i say that with hidden affection. things are definately different now, but changes occur. the thing is, i still love my big brothers.. even if i dont say it out.

i'm not the kind who forgets easy and wouldn't want to.. in some cases. and i do mean what i say, not empty words, not taking it lightly.

and i am sorry if i dont make enough time for you or you or you.

suppose it is two way. :]

2005-04-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

i really hope you still get to fly. even if its not in the air force. Honour God and he will surely take care of you. I know how much it means to you and how much heart you have for the gifts he has entrusted you with.

So look up and no matter how cheesy this sounds, I'll be behind you and praying for favour to be upon you.

it'll all happen sooner than you expect. <3

2005-04-03T16:25:00.000+08:00

From this view, the rain scatters like snow-flakes.

2005-04-03T16:24:00.000+08:00

Some one has emailed me and asked for an update here.
In time I will. I promise.

2005-04-03T15:28:00.000+08:00

Sitting in the pews, seized by those hands. Tapping into you. I am only this girl and I have too many things to remember. It is a hard sermon, not from harshness, but because even the most gentle reminder can cause such a stirring.

If I can never forget, then give me refuge, give me strength. So I can go through this.

2005-04-02T01:43:00.000+08:00

Muscle fatigue is like constipation.

2005-03-27T03:21:00.000+08:00

When I sneeze, my eyelash sometimes fall out.

2005-03-18T11:47:00.000+08:00

The physiotherapist gave me a bruise. I bruise easy.

Time management. Stress management. Management.
Teach me how to stop my hair from falling, from gathering into a matted coil of black mass.

And how to sleep soundly. how to not fall sick. how to chase the haze away.

how to pass my math. how to pass my exams.

how to be at peace.

cough. brown pink blobs of vomit. phlegm and late-dinners. infection, be gone!!!

2005-03-13T23:10:00.000+08:00

Jesus. Thank you.

Thank you for being there, always.

I really should be dead if not for you. Who is it that saves me? Who is it that protects me? Who else what have felt for me. The way you did. Who else can be so patient and so understanding, that even when I say nothing, you know everything.

I can tell you all my secrets.

My pride, you break it. Break it now. I kiss your feet and wash it with my tears.

2005-03-13T22:50:00.000+08:00

The roots are thinning, like ice and frost bites stark and sharp into my scalp. Beyond the measures of thought and knowledge, what I cannot fathom, what is beyond reach. If I knew more would if help, would it put this heart to sleep?